A friend shared with me recently how someone shared with her that the reason they were no longer investing in a particular friendship was because the person didn’t add value. I found this shocking (as did my friend) because it sounded so…transactional.
It raises a really interesting question: how do we make decisions about which friendships to invest in?
It’s an important question because of the role friendships play in our lives. Friendships make a positive contribution to our mental fitness. Research shows that people who have friends and close confidants are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression.
Our friendship circle can’t expand indefinitely because of the limits on our time and emotional energy. Research quantifies this - every 7 years, there will be a 50% change in our friendship circle (half of the friends you have now - in 7 years will be replaced by someone else).
When you let a friend go
Sometimes a friendship ends quietly. When friendships develop out of shared interests, life stage and proximity, it might not survive changes to any or all of those three factors.
Sometimes it’s a more active decision to no longer invest in a friendship. I’ve been thinking about how I have divested myself of some friendships over the years basically because I wasn’t getting from that friendship what I wanted (which is a version of “the person doesn’t add value” when you think about it).
There’s something beautiful and noble about not reducing friendships to a transaction. I’m thankful for the friends who have hung in with me, when I haven’t been able to give much in return. Besides, when friendships are transactional, we deprive ourselves of growth opportunities. I know I’m too quick to divest myself of friendships that challenge me, because I don’t value this as much as friends who are agreeable and affirming.
The transactional approach to friendships isn’t new. Two thousand years ago, Jesus spoke of not picking friends who could give back, but rather consider those who can’t. He says this is the way to be blessed [Luke 14:12-14]. Friendship is a gift and not about reward. Jesus gives the gift of himself by sacrificing his life on a cross for those who do not deserve it and can never repay him for it. He does this so that we can be friends with God.
Abandoning a transaction approach to friendships doesn’t mean there’s no place for discernment. Research shows that poor or conflictual relationships are more damaging to our well-being than no relationship. But if we do decide to keep a challenging friendship, says one writer: “...the challenge is to get yourself into a position where [their] reliable patterns of behaviour don’t end up reliably hurting you. I heard this phrase recently and liked it very much: you have to have an emotional raincoat.”
When you are the one being let go
One writer puts it beautifully: “One of the quietest heartbreaks of adulthood is realising that a friend has become indifferent, or no longer wants the best for you.”
Making new friends
So far we have been focusing on making decisions around existing friendships. But what if you’d just like more friends?
The first thing to be aware of is that this will be a significant time commitment. Apparently it takes 40-60 hours for an acquaintance to become a friend, 80-100 hours for the person to become a full-fledged friend, 200+ quality hours for a person to become a best friend. (It might be worth re-thinking some of our existing friendships, in light of this).
Yet time is something we are short on. As one writer puts it: “People’s diaries are already full – with families, work and the handful of old friends they barely manage to keep. There’s just not much room left, not emotionally, not practically…"
And with the time we do have, how well are we using it? This writer continues: "How close can you really be to someone you only see for a couple of hours every now and then? What can you actually share? In these meetups, we present condensed versions of ourselves. So much of who we really are stays in the dark.”
Being a good friend
Whether we are making friends or divesting ourselves of friends, the danger of a transaction approach is that it keeps our attention on the other person. I wonder whether instead the focus should shift to: “What kind of friend am I to others?”
David Brooks is a New York Times writer. His most recent book is: “How to Know a Person: the art of seeing others deeply and being deeply seen”. He says:
“There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organisation or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel valued, heard and understood. That is at the heart of being a good person, the ultimate gift you give to others and to yourself.”
Friendship is a gift, not a transaction.
For further reflection
- What has reading this got you thinking about?
- What makes a friendship important to you?
- What friendships are you holding onto that might have hit an expiration date?
- How are you investing in being a better friend?
