A dear colleague and I got into an interesting conversation on the train home one afternoon. We were discussing the merits of books and long form reads over 30 second videos to tell a story. I excitedly shared my views and she did too. Not long before she had reached her stop, she said: “Look, can you just drop it?”
I was surprised because I thought we were having a great discussion. Unbeknown to me, our discussion had turned into a disagreement, one that she no longer wanted to participate in. As I walked home from the station later that afternoon, I became curious about what turned that conversation into a disagreement. Can we find a way to disagree better?
The Cambridge English Dictionary defines disagreement as: an argument or a situation in which people do not have the same opinion. In my train trip conversation, the problem wasn’t that we disagreed. The problem was that our disagreement had turned into a conflict that my colleague wanted to pull out of.
Paul Tevis, in a helpful LinkedIn post, writes that in a conflict, disagreement has an emotional charge to it, often negative. It impacts the relationship and the way we interact as a result. Disagreement is cognitive; conflict is emotional.
For me, I don’t think I’ve ever gone a day in my life without at least one point of disagreement turning into some sort of conflict. Perhaps you are wired a bit differently to me, and when you sense a conflict brewing you run for the hills. How can we face disagreement in a way that helps us grow and change, rather than shut down or run away? How can we have a difference of opinion without it turning into conflict?
Becoming a curious observer
Whenever I get excited I tend to jump in and interrupt others and share lots of information. My colleague shared with me that whilst she heard the first sentence of our discussion, she was still thinking by the time I had added three more (unrelated) points, and so she became overwhelmed cognitively. For her, my enthusiasm became an information bomb she felt inadequate to defuse. (It can be so helpful when people share how they experience us).
For me, building in a pause for breath and focusing on looking at the other person, and seeing how they are reacting in the moment is important to stop the runaway train that is my brain. If they have tuned out or become distressed, I can slow down and invite them back into conversation rather than continuing my monologue.
Observing could also look like listening for things that you do agree with and affirming those. The more you can listen to understand their experience, and say “yes, and…[insert your differing experience/opinion here]” the easier it will be to remain engaged in the cognitive conversation, rather than dissolving into reactive emotions. (A useful tip from an ex-FBI hostage negotiator).
Picking your battles
Occasionally I find myself so caught up in the argument that I’m not able to empathise with the other person. There is a heat in the moment, it becomes emotionally charged, there is no stopping and thinking. If a disagreement turns into a conflict because we are not able to see the other person past our flood of emotions; if we find ourselves trying to make our point, prove we are right or get the last word it’s okay to stop and disengage. Know that walking away is sometimes the kindest thing to do.
If I realise I’m in danger of becoming emotionally flooded by the arguments of the other person, I am happy to say “I need a minute” and leave the conversation (physically or digitally). If someone asks for space to disengage, respect it by letting them be the one to come back and reconnect.
Being right vs being connected
Do you ever sit in a conversation “waiting” for your turn to say something rather than actually listening “high school debating team” style? I find slowing down to actually hear what the other person is thinking really powerful. Humans are socially wired, and we have a deep need to feel heard, not just spoken to. Being right may feel good for a fleeting moment, but unless there is connection, it won’t sink in at all for the other person.
Valuing the other person, and helping them feel heard goes a long way to disagreeing well. Invite the other person to share their views first, listen, ask questions and affirm them. My toddler is a prime example of connection mattering more than getting to an agreement. When he comes to ask whether I’d like to join in on the puzzle he’s playing, he really wants to know that I heard him, that his feelings right now matter to me. For him, being affirmed is far more important than stopping what I’m doing and joining in his activity because that's not always possible.
It is kind of personal
Sharing your personal experiences, and allowing space for others to share their personal experience is a way to grow and learn when we disagree. If we make generalised sweeping statements, it can isolate others whenever it doesn’t match their experience which in turn leads to defensiveness or withdrawal. It can feel like a personal attack or being judged. By taking the “universality” out of a statement, the moment becomes a sharing of your experience of a situation.
Non-judgemental sharing tends to help others to lean in, to stay in the room, and be more open to sharing their own experience, even when it is not the same as yours.
Disagreeing from a place of caring, of listening and of non-judgement matters. As a follower of Jesus there is a particularly confronting and uncomfortable story in one of the biographies of Jesus that has really helped me when it comes to my own judgmentalism.
In Jesus' time, there was a provision in the law for women caught in adultery to be stoned to death. Because of this, some religious leaders brought a woman caught in adultery to Jesus, hoping to trap him. Surprisingly, Jesus says to them: "If any one of you is without sin, let him throw the first stone at her" (John 8:7). As he repeats this, the religious leaders realise they were not perfect themselves and they slowly slink away.
Putting aside the issue of stoning for adultery, what I think is fascinating here is that Jesus is concerned for the person, not judging infractions of the law. He doesn't condemn the woman, but rather gives her the space to reconsider her life choices.
This story has helped me when it comes to my judgmentalism of others. I find it really easy to judge others by my own standards - and of course they often fall short! I've learnt that it's important to care for the person, and not be so quick to judge.
I have seen this play out in my role as an older sibling because I found it easy to overlook my own failings, while vocalising my disagreement at my younger brother or sister about how they choose to live, the choices they make and the way they think. This pattern of living did not make me a better person, nor did it serve to improve our relationship.
Many years of stone-throwing experiences later, I am recognising that it is far better to be kind and generous in my love for them no matter what. I do share my personal experiences sometimes, but mostly as a means to encourage them to share their personal experiences. I have learnt that I cannot change them, but I can grow in empathy by listening to their perspective, becoming a more accepting person in the process. I think we’ll always disagree on some things, but we are better when we agree the relationship is more important than our opinions.
Questions for Reflection
1. What is your personal default position when it comes to conflicts and disagreement? Are you someone who goes in all guns blazing or are you someone who gets overwhelmed and withdraws when someone else does?
2. Recall a recent experience of disagreeing with someone:
- Were you able to act in alignment with your values?
- What helped you feel heard?
- What helped you listen actively?
